Cigarette...

It was a silent night. The fan slowly creaked making the only noise in the so called pin drop silence. With no wind gushing through the window it was fair to call “main aur meri tanhai, aksar ye baatein karte hain”, it was just start of the season and I could feel the long summer it would be. This wall clock reminded me of her chimes 2 with 2 hoots, it’s an old clock, maybe more old than the time I was here in this city, which is still a stranger to me. 

People say to get up at the brahma muhurat for a reason, coz nothing good happens at this time of the night. I partly agree to it, but as it is nothing good happens in my life nowadays, the added dryness in the air making it hard for me to sleep, not that it really matters anyways. These smartphones have made my life so demanding, when you see someone posting stuff on social sites, but then I ask myself are they really happy or maybe it must be a phase which they want to share. I switch off my phone, move towards the window the street light silently creeping in from the window making everything look red, as if I m in a light room processing my pictures of some random trip. Again it is going to be long night, the boss would again ask about my redness in eyes. He thinks I have started taking stuff. 

I often think about things which have made me feel this way, I go back a thousand times in the memory lane as to how i could have avoided the situations, every single time I think of how things would have turned out to, sometimes I think that this funny little brain works too much but never in the right direction. It has so many things to think about that it has a plethora of options to choose from to make me upset tonight. And I already have things to be upset tonight. I light a smoke, inhale to the core and see the smoke travel through the red light make it more tingly. 

In no time the clock swings to three and I somewhere feel a bit suffocated, stepping out in the balcony looking at the young night sky. There was music in the air, I lookout for and I knew gaurav must be playing, the same problem, is he awake too and why! I light up another one as the song awakens a memory deep inside. It was a similar night, I was in a bar with her, this song was playing and we looked deep into each other’s eyes. She wore a black dress that day, nobody has ever looked so lovely to me. I would never meet her now, and that’s how it has become now….been alone, without friends, I would tell myself from time to time that it would get better but I knew the best is already my past. How I wished turning this old clock backwards would take me to the time I was happy. 

‘you ohk Mayank ? ‘ asked gaurav out of the blue, pausing the song !

No I am not, I don’t feel I am. I have been a loser all my life, I don’t have friends, the ones I had, they are gone, she is gone too. I work my ass off, barely sleep, put my money on booze and stuff coz I have nothing else. I don’t go for the movies like I used to, no shopping, no dinner outside, parties I go to no one’s interesting. I know I do things which are bad for my health but i can't help it.  I have started questioning my existence, like a hungry kid I look out for any happiness i can get. Looking at happy people makes my brain scream, I would look out to end it all. No I am not at all ok.. Only if you could see it, only if my boss could see it, only if parents could see it. I know I m loosing my mind, but all I do is smile at them... 

‘yeah man, just came for a smoke’ i said lighting another cigarette again, offered him another and he politely refused. 

Depression isn’t easy to notice, it starts and it grows and grows in all ways and is always infront of us, we choose to close eyes at times. We chose to ignore it instead i think we ignore them. Depression is a drag, a drag which holds u. Each one of us have felt it in one way or the other, it was just different as how we dealt with it. They don’t ask for the moon, just a few of minutes of talk and it’s the best you can do. Don't shame them don't laugh at them, don't give them logic behind things, they aren't in the same world as you, rational thinking won't help here. It takes a lot of effort, patience and compassion to love someone with depression. I am sure nobody would disagree on that. 

 

Scientifically proven term depression doesn't mean "Sadness". Fight it, it lies within you and defeat it... 

P.S

If you like it, do share it and give ur views. The images have been taken from the internet. The story as it is a work of fiction. Names, characters, events, places is an imagination used in fictitious manner. Don't relate it to someone you know. But do help someone you know.

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